My husband and I just celebrated our 20th Anniversary. This is not our first marriage, but it is a first milestone for both of us.

It is so important to celebrate successes.

What you focus on is what you will get more of. If you focus on dis-ease or the label you’ve been given, you will find more dis-ease. If you focus on your spouse’s flaws, you will find them… repeatedly.

Instead, focus on what you want and where you want to go.

Resist words like “Always” and, “You make me feel like…..”

Review my blog Lessons from a Surfer and ask yourself, “Is this really true? Is he or she ALWAYS?”….

If not, “Is it possible that he/she could be otherwise?

The only person you can possibly change is yourself. When you change, so will your spouse. We create a ripple effect with our thoughts and actions. If you want change….then YOU need to change.  First, change what you think about the other.

(Re-read the paragraph above).

You must love yourself first so you can receive love from another. If this is not the case, then start by taking loving actions towards yourself. Become SELF-FULL. This is not selfish, it’s the most loving action you can take. Honor yourself and honor your body. Your body is the one and only thing that will remain with you your entire life. It’s time you made peace with it.

Forgive yourself first, so you can forgive others. Dig deep, what old shame might you be holding on to? What messages did you receive as a child that no longer serve you? Write yourself a love letter as if you were writing it to your child or lover. Make it full of love and passion. Forgive yourself and those who trespassed against you. Not because these injustices are OK, but because you are worthy of love and happiness. Make peace with yourself so you can make peace with others.

Remember that no one can “Make you feel like….” We allow people to affect us. We need to teach others how to treat us. This means setting boundaries and having open, honest communication.

Remember that we choose our partner and friends. Relationships are like a mirror and a great opportunity for healing, growth, and change. They teach us where we do and don’t want to go.

We often choose people subconsciously as an opportunity to grow. If we don’t learn our lessons, we will repeat them until we do. This is why many second marriages fail. Remember, no one can change you. You change by taking action.

I used to think that my husband was so selfish. He is much better than I am at prioritizing his needs. I could choose to ruminate on this and feel angry, or I could choose to look in the mirror and see where I was not prioritizing my own needs. What was it that I was needing and wanting?